Thoughts for those just starting…
Look at what house your Saturn is in. Ask an astrologer or someone who can read charts. Read and watch a bunch about it. Then just be open. And write. Reflect. All the time. Process process process. This note from Chani Nicholas has a v generous section on the Saturn Return at the end.
My Saturn Return is in Sagittarius, in the 6th house. There are very specific lessons I received during my first return that had to do with this specific house and sign…and also with my particular body and spirit at the particular time. For me, STD’s, injuries, digestion issues, fatigue…. lots of fiery change in what i thought was my day to day existence, what i thought was my body. lots of fiery change to what i was ritualizing. lots of awareness of me inside of my identities; blackness, woman-ness, immigrant-ness, etc…and seeing the harsh realities and the illusions inside of these identities, these perceived presets. lots of burning of illusions. lots of limitations, mm, no, lessons on my idea of freedom and truth. The beginning of my Saturn Return was when i started using the phrase ‘we free’ for everything i did creatively. My Saturn asks ‘what does that even mean- we free?’ Very walk it like you talk it energy. I didn’t know that in saying ‘we free’, at that time, i was ushering in the harshest lessons on how (i thought) i was practicing and seeing freedom. lots of separations from people, jobs, and ideas of who I was. lots of separation from things i was in deep ritual with, rituals that weren’t holding me to my growing spirit, my growing purpose. lots of recovery. surprise reconciliations. lots of letting go. A lot of a lot, lol.
Below I’m sharing what feels to me as the most stand out and general lessons/wake-ups my blessed first Saturn Return gave me. There are 50 of them.
: hi, i’m your inner child, nice to meet you. also fuck you.
: eat greens and drink water. every day. take care of your body, in a basic, daily way.
: basic mathematics/economy of my energy. attention to my energy as a real and tangible thing. energy input and energy output. understanding cost.
: i can’t expect to be financially good if i’m leaking energetically.
: Don’t just go anywhere, go somewhere. Focus. Direction.
: Take away all stigma on being sick, weakened, in need of care, in need of time and space to heal or recover, in need.
: Spider medicine, spider wisdom. spiders. they said: you are trapped and you are afraid. get out of this web. use your power. do your thing. love your self.
: if you are giving bitterly, stop. and give to yourself.
: I can’t just go along for the ride I gotta commit to co-creating.
: Ritual.
: practice. praxis.
: tell the truth.
: cry and feel and get angry. these are the same bodily functions as peeing and pooping. i had to let myself feel the same level of discomfort from holding in tears as holding in diarrhea.
: stand up for yourself.
: this is your king!??!?? — check your rulers. what and who rules you? your time, your energy? Check it.
: slow is my fave pace. i’m not sorry about being slow.
: the systems we are collectively inside of are baaaaad.
: ancestors.
: trauma is real. and healing is real. past selves is real. your younger selves are still with you. invisible guides are real. karma is real. generational patterns are real.
: no.
: the practice of zooming out.
: i am multiple.
: there is more to the story. the story is low key a hoax.
: decolonization.
: death is a myth. and also real. and constant.
: After mountains of time reteaching myself how to love myself, how to respond to my needs, i had to be ready to communicate this to others. i had to bring this to relationship.
: needing someone to read my mind and to respond to needs i haven’t communicated is a breach of their boundaries.
: also it’s not cute to think i can read people’s minds and respond to needs they haven’t communicated. that’s not a power nor empathy. that’s arrogance and a breach of boundaries.
: communication looks like many things. all you need is the intention to share information and the wanting for it to be received.
: Confrontation, is a part of healing.
: Separation, is a part of healing. And it’s not just about leaving something, it’s also about going somewhere.
: I am a separate being from my mother, and my father. And I have to go through that process of separating from them in order to advance our line.
: No one has to understand or get what i’m doing, only i do. And even that knowing is kind of barely.
: I was stuck in victim and savior complexes.
: boundaries.
: my heart hurt. and been hurting.
: pussy healing.
: home. don’t fight home or going home. sankofa.
: it seems to be less about overcoming, and more about sitting with.
: FEAR:
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- intimacy and transparency with people have been my greatest fears.
- loving myself has been a fear.
- protecting myself has been a fear.
- my sensuality, desires, and sex has been a fear.
- my pleasure scares me.
- the not-sweet in me scares me.
- i’ve had a fear of myself.
- fear for me has been things i don’t know how to do or know or live with.
: avoidance does not make it go away. and it hurts people. and hurts the parts of yourself that you avoid.
: coping mechanisms have expiration dates
: freelance ain’t free.
: SHAME:
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- Shame ruled my life.
- and guilt. and
- these make it impossible to create responsive, present boundaries and protections.
- accountability gets me out.
- forgiveness does too.
- and humility.
: my emotions matter. and are my life source. the book ‘The Language of Emotions’ by Karla McLaren helped.
: the social is connected to the personal is connected to the global, and we all on some unresolved trauma shit.
: Really, get support. Healers, priestesses, therapy, life coaches, support groups. You need tools. There are basic life skills and emotional and spiritual wellness knowledge that you realize you don’t have a muscle for. You are being introduced to these skills because you absolutely need them to move through this life as a beautiful creator in this dimension, as you. Forgive your mom for not giving it to you, your father for not holding you, your school for not teaching you, the whites, the men, the man, and most crucially, forgive yourself for not knowing, admit you don’t know, and get support. any investment in support is worth it—- we need tools. put attention on getting or activating your tools. Gather your tools. what gets you through. Get to know them well. Then maybe share them. but the most important is to know and have them for yourself.
: Humble yourself. Do not diminish or scoff or laugh at what’s coming up. A lot of the return is your inner child coming up and through. hold them.
Advice to those ending their first Saturn Return..it’s not over. at all. i was still shaking from my saturn return lessons…shit, i still am shook 3 years later. The actual saturn return felt like the unveiling of what’s been REALLY going on, and the 3 years since have felt like the dealing with seeing all this. Those new eyes really settling in, the mourning, the stumbling trying to pick up pieces, contemplating ways to go back to the way things were…the process of letting go. Now I feel like I’m seeing and feeling the application, the accountability inside of those lessons. The possibility, the pleasure inside of those lessons.
Three years later i’m also seeing that even the hype around saturn return is a bit of an illusion. it’s not that deep. it’s life. this is the act, the dance of living.
Grateful for the teacher, Saturn.